It’s NaNo month and people are already holing up in their writing caves with industrial quantities of coffee, ignoring any kind of human interaction.
If you’re writing a book this month 1. CONGRATS YOU’RE ALREADY DOING AMAZING SWEETY , 2. Don’t forget snacks and water SELF CARE IS IMPORTANT (look at grandma Ioana taking care of you all I will knit you sweaters and bake some cookies while I’m at it) and 3. Remember that: you’ve got this it doesn’t have to be perfect.
Now, since ’tis the season to be a writer I thought I would make a list of all the common types of authors I see out in the wilderness…you know, your Hungarian Horntails and Common Welsh Greens. The ones that you can hide in your backyard and kidnap and then feed them candy and make them write your blog posts for you…ahem.
FORGET I SAID ANYTHING LET’S GET TO THE LIST!!
MAGICAL WHIMSICAL AUTHOR
We all know that one author that had the most lyrical of writing and possibly spends all their free time with fairies. Their writing is like honey and milk (meaning that it will obviously cure your sore throat) and it feels like a dream of whimsy. Their characters are usually artistically inclined (ARTISTS everywhere: left, right, possibly above you flying because gravity laws don’t apply to them silly) and beware their story is probably tragic don’t get attached to any characters THEY WILL DIE.
When you attempt to write like them you end up being an elephant trying to do ballet an oh no this was a mistake and I regret everything.
WHEAT FLOUR BREAD AUTHOR
You know this author, I know this author, everyone knows this author and the whole universe asks itself how was their book even published in 2017 when it looks like it’s from 2012 and than you start believing that time machines exist.
Their books often include:
- A girl that’s “not like other girls” and yet she totally is (because the plot twist is never that she’s actually Frankenstein’s monster)
- Probably a high school (because what’s more exciting than school??)
- A LOVE TRIANGLE (going back to the love of school, this author really loves their geometry I guess. #can’t #relate)
- Hot bad boy that is misunderstood and has no reason to be bad but HEY it’s an YA novel so why not
Things that the books don’t include:
- Character development
- help them I think they lost it somewhere on the way or maybe it got scared and hid from the greedy people
THE “ARE THEY REALLY HUMAN” AUTHOR
The answer is probably NO because they are an actual robot possibly practicing dark magic to write 6453282020 books a year. Sleep?? They probably don’t know what that is. They probably write all year and NaNoWriMo is the month they chill a bit.
Actually Smaug is their name and writing is their GAME!
(Seriously DO NOT provoke them! They are highly competitive creatures that will either write a 80k novel on a napkin in front of you OR bite your head of. Results may vary, caution is advised.)
THE BRO AUTHOR
This author was probably in a fraternity in collage and their hobby is to crack open a cold one with the lads. Let there be known that there are both male and female bro authors (look we’re all just magnificent lizards in the end so why bother with sexism) but since their stories are mostly about boyhood…yeah well you get what I mean. Those are the crusty dudes that wrote those classics you read in school…ahem…can you tell I’m not really a fan of this kind of writing??
Excessive presence of bodily fluids and the “every other word is most probably a swear word” and it’s a certain sign you most probably got yourself a “Bro Author”.
THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS AUTHOR
Look…we’re all male, female and non-binary QUEENS ok and that’s a FACT!
But there’s this author that is truly the queen and possibly feasts on cake and miracles for breakfast and has taken over the world with their fantasy books, making book bloggers everywhere fangirl excessively when they announce a new deal.
Things that their books include (but are not limited to):
- girls with knives
- please put the knives down you’re children
- Slytherins, slytherins everywhere
- 500 pages of pure awesomeness but also 500 PAGES (why make a book small when it can turn out being the size of a small dictionary??)
- Your favorite character? IT DEAD
- that is the consequence of running around with knives I WARNED YOU
THE DISNEY VILLAIN AUTHOR
They have the catchiest songs and when they write they have a mug destined for their reader’s tears. They can often be heard maleficaly laughing while killing off all of their characters or writing dreaded cliffhangers. Beware those often hide in contemporaries, enjoying the suffering of their readers as they realize that that field trip the characters go on is actually a FEELS trip instead and it’s a trap and everyone is sad and in need of chocolate.
Side effects of reading their books include adopting all of the characters to keep them out of the author’s hands.
THE TWITTER TROLL
While most spend their life under a bridge where they belong, this one lives on all social media and insists on explaining why their book is the best and your opinion as a reader is wrong. They have a million arguments and they shall succeed goddamn it WAIT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND a picture of their book is in the Oxford Dictionary right next to the word perfect ok clean your glasses you just don’t understand.
They enjoy the sense of security that hiding behind a screen gives them and use THE POWER to harass readers and reviewers that DARED give their book one star.
DON’T BE THIS PERSON OK